In Dreams

                                                               I used to wear blue velvet...

Wow. Get some beer, some time away from me, a chat with someone else, and you've got a changed man.

My spouse came back from his lunch date a little buzzed, but seemed happy to see me. He also apologized for treating me so mean the past couple of days, and that money is just money. And that there will never be another me. He said he didn't care about all that tax crap. He hugged me for a long time. It all made me cry and apologize again for fucking up. We exchanged the "I love you"s, of course. We stood there in the kitchen, locked together for a long time. Later on he went and had a nap.

I went back to my computer and tea.

Now in the sober light of day, I find it hard to trust what he said, of course.

1. I have MH issues
2. He hasn't always been truthful for too long (he's been flakey)
3. He had been drinking a bit
4. He has diagnosed and (IMO) undiagnosed MH issues: Depression is his diagnosis at present

So I'm left with the prepared tax forms just sitting on the coffee table in plain sight. They just need his signature. My signature is on the form. I already have a stamped and addressed envelope ready for it. Now how do I get him to actually sign the forms? I need to make copies or scan the crap at least. That would bring attention to the forms. I'm worried as to whether that would be a bad or "good" move.

I just want to get the shit out of here and not think about it anymore! I don't know if I can deal with it tonight, but the sooner, the better, as he seems to be in a better mood in the daylight, and he just got back from the unemployment office. Not a good time. He's already changed into his PJs and it's not even 3pm.

Oh, looks like he's going for another nap. Oh. Oh well.

Let's get some shit straight here. I wake up a bunch of times during the night, sometimes sweating, sometimes freezing from sweating, but mostly for no reason, then I get up at the time I set my alarm for which is 6am now. My spouse gets up maybe an hour after that, lately a little bit longer. He takes forever to "wake up" after he's up. He says an hour. Me, I'm wide awake each time I wake. Anyway, he takes naps. Sometimes two during the day. One after the coffee is finished, and then another in the late afternoon. It kind of disgusts me, but that's because I wasn't raised to do that, and it stuck.

Back again...

The spouse is up. Fuck. He's up again and just set down a glass of water next to the forms that are waiting for his signature, with a pen just above them on the coffee table... Clearly, he's ignoring them. Now he's off washing dishes in a very noisy way, suggesting that he's irritated by "having to do it". I said I would do it, I just didn't give an exact time of day/eve. I didn't want to put pressure on myself. Riding the bus alone to the shrink's and surviving an hour of that was stressful and emotionally exhausting enough today. Give me a fuckin' break.

Yeah, I mentioned to the shrink that he likes to play passive-aggressive games if he feels like he's not in control of the world, and he probably doesn't since he's not working right now. I don't like to participate. He's pretty much just stuck here with me, and doesn't seem to want to do anything. Not even going for a walk. That fucking sucks.

I'll have to try try try to venture out alone tomorrow, if it's now raining too badly. I'm going to have to get up earlier as the sun is coming out earlier and ruining my moonlit mornings. I'll try for 5am tomorrow, and spend a little time alone away from home. Either in the coffee shop or outside, smoking. Yeah, early to bed and early to rise and get the fuck out of here and get coffee and a cigarette. I can't possibly go out in the morning light.

I was fucking livid when I got home from my shrink appointment today and found all the blinds pulled open. He knows I hate outdoor light coming indoors. I still had my sunglasses left on, so I kept them on for quite a while, until I sensed that the spouse wouldn't have a cow if I shut half of them, and he was out of the room.

5-8pm nothing but tired cartoons here.

I'm tired and writing on "Notepad" while "The Devil's Waltz" plays online in the background. A re-run, I know. I need to be carried away from the reality of this place and this tired situation.

I just want to go to sleep, a heavy sleep, with heavy, vivid dreams that take me far away from here to another time and place. I travel alone in my dreams. Rarely do I ever have known persons in my dreams. I do have known places. Not real places, but real dream places that I've been back to several times. I never dream about my spouse. In my dreams, I am able to drive, but not in real life. PTSD. Motorcycles too, which I enjoy riding on (passenger only) in real life. I miss that. I miss having more of a life.