The Guilt Machine and the Emotionally Crippled

William Staub, Inventor of the Treadmill, Dead at 96

Well fuck me. The walking shoes under my table (where my computer is) and the fact that the evil treadmill is in the same room, got me up off my ass yesterday. I write in the same room of the behemoth creature. I felt like I was at a dangerous point of sliding downhill into thoughts of the "s" word. So I managed to put on some appropriate clothes and force myself to do a brisk 3mi walk while forcing myself to pay attention to the tv. It was also the only way I was going to get myself into the shower (afterward). That would be a much-needed shower. My hair must be filthy by now. Oh well. I used to be much much worse. I also managed to drag out the trash and recycling in one go yesterday. An amazing feat.

I was fucked last night, tossing and turning yet again, and again my spouse woke me up with noise at 6am today. I was cursed to get up out of guilt. Besides, I had my alarm set for 7am. What's one more hour lost. A lot, sometimes, I tell ya. According to my meds shrink, I should be sleeping better for taking more seroquel , but since he wrote my latest Rx wrong in a hurry, I stuck with the lower dose, and got a refill on that. Since I've been having the random anxiety/near psychotic attacks, I haven't been sleeping well.

The Rx from my meds shrink should have been for 500mg horse pills, but was for 400mg. Good enough for now, since I have a few leftovers that I hope will get me out of this anxiety/near psychotic funk. That's a serious fucking funk. I've been taking 300mg or 350mg near the middle of the afternoon, and only other half of the big tab, which is 200mg at night. I take 450mgs of wellbutrin, 40mg prozac, and 4mg of clonazepam spread out for the rest of the day. I'm supposed to take one at night, but it's needed much more during the afternoon when my anxiety is at it's worst.

I'm starting to really wonder - is anxiety an emotion or a horrible condition? I don't really count it as an emotion. Come to think of it, I don't consider a lot of the shit that goes through my head as emotions, except for crippling depression. Maybe I've been going through depression as well, but I can't really tell from the inside, due to the horrific anxiety. 

When I think about it, I almost feel like I have no emotions at all, just symptoms of illness. That there are no real emotions that I can honestly feel anymore, including a "mother's love" for my daughter, or the love I should feel for my spouse. I had no example as I was growing up as far as a mother goes, and in the father dept., he was either emotionally abusive, physically abusive, drunk, not around, or didn't seem to care much for me. 

There's a big fucking hole in my heart that I've tried to fill with all sorts of things and people, but no one and nothing has been able to fill it. It's so damaged and has been that way since I was a little kid, from what little I can remember. What am I supposed to do with it now? Try to feel the appropriate feelings when the situation calls for it? I don't think I know how to love. I don't think I ever knew.

And now for something completely stupid - here.

Jeebus, what a pile of depressing shit! I don't feel as bad or lost as yesterday. I feel like I'm up too early again, but I'm going to try to take things one half hour or hour at a time, like I have to do these days. I don't know if I can make today turn out as good as yesterday, but I will try to try. Yes, try to try is the perfect expression. Already my guts aren't liking me this morning, but that should pass if I force myself to eat something. 

I had a handful of vitamins for the hell of it, as well as my meds. It's hard enough to keep up with my daily meds, let alone some crazy cocktail of supposedly beneficial vitamins and fish oil. There's no reason that I took the vitamins. Just that I saw them and took some. Maybe something in the back of my mind hopes that taking vitamins will help me. Help me what? Push myself to walk and shower today? I don't know. I haven't been in my "right" mind since I was 3. I don't have the discipline it takes to do vitamins every day. It's a little difficult to swallow a handful of pills of any kind, because I am reminded physically and mentally of one of many times I OD'd or tried.

Yesterday, I think, I bitched about positive messages and all that. I'm old and have been ill a longass time, so those positive messages and messages of hope have actually become depressing in their own way. Depressing because someone out there is affected in a good way by them. I become irritated and depressed. WTF.

This shit IS a daily struggle. Not to mention blogger. For some reason, it's fucking up all my spacing. Apologies.

Which Way is Up?

 

Down. That's how I've been feeling. The kind of depression that 's more like anxiety and horror at the thought of dealing with anything. I'm afraid of having panic/psycho attacks more each day now. I survived yesterday, but I don't know how. I didn't get any exercise, or bother to take a shower. I did throw on some clothes before the spouse came back to make things look less pathetic. Things = me.

If I see one more positive fluff crap "posts", I'm going to be sick. I already feel sick from my meds. Again. I have the feeling that things are going to be pretty much like they were yesterday, only today my stomach is acting up, unfortunately, because I was going to try walking on the treadmill.

Walking for a few miles on the treadmill seems to be the only way to get me into the shower. I don't bother washing my hair more than once a week. I don't like shutting the door when I take a shower, because I guess I feel a little claustrophobic. I also don't like taking showers when I'm not alone at home.

My head is a mess and refuses to do its own thinking. I don't want to feel or think anything. I'm just going to listen to geeky audiobooks for the rest of the morning and afternoon. At least I can pretend that someone is reading to me. Pathetic, I know, but I can't be in the presence of a real person right now.

Guilt is the only thing that keeps me from just crawling back to bed and trying to sleep. Guilt that my spouse would think that all I did was watch tv, eat, and sleep today. I just don't have the energy to do anything but write a bit, listen to the audiobook, and curl up in a ball. Fuck it. Fuck guilt. I can't force myself to do anything today. It just scares me - the thought of stress and how it affects my moods so much. The thought of a shower is awful too, as well as washing my face and brushing my teeth. We're seriously down to the basics.

I don't know what I'll do. Tv can't seem  to hold my attention any longer. This is kind of scary, but I don't know exactly why. I'm a fucking zombie. At least I'm not crying. Crying scares the hell out of me.