Confusion

Once again, I've fucked up and didn't do my time on the treadmill. At least I took a shower. I was just too overwhelmed by my success in getting outside just after I jumped out of bed. I just threw on some clothes and sunglasses, and went to Starbucks to get a free coffee. The bags that you buy in the store are good for a free coffee once emptied.

After getting back, I went back on the internet and fucked around on Twitter a while, then got distracted by the tv, an audio book, coffee & croissant, and about 5 different sites on the internet all at once. Completely overwhelmed, I went in the bathroom to get away from everything for a moment, and just tried to breathe. Not easy to do: breathing without thinking about anything. I then realized that I'm behind time on my meds (seroquel and clonopin) and took them immediately. Doing some deep breathing back out on the couch with this evil laptop. Slow the fuck down, woman.

A song came into my head after I posted the commercial below, that I liked way back in the old days. It now makes me think of my current relationship situation. Put two crazies in one pot, stir, and you've got much more than a big shit storm boiling away.



My spouse was diagnosed as depressed and takes meds for it. He recently got an increase on the meds and is even less interested in being near me than before. Being bipolar, my moods can change from moment to moment. One minute I want a hug or to get laid, and the next I'm disgusted at the sight of him. Since the increase in his meds, he has lost all interest in sex or hugging me for more than 3 seconds. Yes, I counted.

The whole thing is very frustrating because if I'm even in the mood for sex, I can't count on my lady parts working due to the meds that I take. It's a fucking crap shoot. What's worse, is that he doesn't want to talk about it with me. I think it makes him feel like less of a man, not being interested. But it does horrible things to me. I think I'm fat, ugly, wear shitty clothes, crappy makeup job, crappy hair, etc. It's made me cry a few tears that I let slip past, and there seems to be nothing to do about it other than to try to talk to him again. I miss the physical displays of affection more than anything at this point. I can't even remember the last time we got it on - it's been that long.

I'm confused and alone on this. I don't know how much more I can take.