This is a mental health/mental illness blog dealing with daily life with words that are real and raw, video, pics, and music chosen by one fucked-up kitty. I am diagnosed Bipolar, with (crippling) Anxiety Disorder, and seriously horrific PTSD.
Sometimes it's a real treat of Freedom of Speech and Crazy to let it out, and scream something out in public when you just lose it, and let the stress out of your sails in one quick go, unlike the "unlucky" majority. Nope. Can't say everything is bad 100% of the time. Now take your meds and get ready...

This blog is permanently under construction/destruction.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

"Ocean Rain"

"Ocean Rain" - Echo & The Bunny men
One of the best records ever. Buy it now.

Gone a long time due to much fuckery with computer, electronic issues, etc. 

Tired. So very tired, I thought last night. I went to bed and there were tears welling up in my eyes. My nose was stinging. I let a couple spill, that was it, thought no more of it and went to sleep at 7pm.

This morning I realized why I've been having weak thoughts, emotions not fully under control (mainly only sadness), why I've let a few tears spill here and there (maybe 2 or 3), and been so damn tired that I nodded out on the bus twice as I was racing to get home to "safety" and "privacy".

It's called PMS, and nothing more. Now it's over and it's cramps and physical, not emotional. It's so good to be rid of unnecessary unwanted emotion, but I did have a revelation during that previous week. 

I decided I did not want my spouse to participate in the Dias de los Muertos upcoming celebration. He did not seem to understand or get a grip on the events, the traumatization of such events, and their lasting horrible scars that led to the death of my mother and a huge portion of the cause of my PTSD. So I don't want anybody around me that isn't participating to celebrate, respect, and remember their dead to be anywhere around me when the celebration goes on. I want to hear music, I want to see a procession, and I want to see people smiling. 

I'll bet money, if they come,  that my friend's daughter, will be all made up and in black! She's a big horror movie fan. That would be cool not to be the only one made up, but if I am, so be it, because it will be fab. 

I will have to give the makeup a practice run soon, and try and call my daughter to see if she can make it with all that school and work going on. Wishing she could, but understanding if she can't. Another time. We can make our own Day of the Dead any damn time and fly to find my mother's grave and pay a visit. I will have all prepared then, which would be so cool, hopefully I could get in touch with cousins, second cousins, uncles, aunts, etc, in and near town that could maybe meet up and go. It's been so long, and I have nothing but fond memories of all the kids that I can remember as my cousins, and some Uncles and Aunties that are still around, like my mom's sister.

So I look forward to Halloween, my favorite time of the year, when the candy corn and chocolate candy is abundant and you can't escape it. Unfortunately, before that, I have a Dr Shrinker appointment before that, but it is with someone nice, and that is familiar. I just don't want to have to try and make the choice of trying to go it alone on 2 buses (fear of freakout - great fear of freakout), and I don't want to have to have my spouse take time off work. I don't want to have to deal with his anger problem, but maybe I can turn it around to work for both of us, to both of our advantages.

That means this latest of another brand new computer is going back to the store, a macbook   air. The last was a toshiba. This macbook thing was a disappointment except for how light it is. It seems too easy to scratch up and thrash. Also, of course incompatible with just about everything, and DVD drive has to be bought separately, but not at an insane price, at least.  

I still might go for another one, but that is at least equal to what has been destroyed so far due to someone ELSE's paranoia, NOT mine. Jebus yeah. That's going to be a bit, plus, that's going to mean my girl will be gaining some new extra external hard drive space if she still needs some, I hope.

This has been a long, trying, fucked-up irritating, stupid, sad, weird, yummy, embarrassing, childish, suckass, time since I last wrote crazy post #105, or whatever it was, but my meds and some success at fighting agoraphobia alone have been pretty amazing (+ ME), but really fucking anxiety-ridden, and full of fear of anxiety attack/breakdown in public. Almost happened yesterday. 'Just look at the fish (spray painted on a wall at a bus stop), just look at the fish,' I told myself (a la "The Walking Dead": "Just look at the flowers..."), when I could feel my eyes heating up and the beginning of hot tears getting ready to well up. I managed to look up and blink them back in and sniffle. I had to ask a lady older than me, who could see better if I was getting on the correct bus number. I told her I have 'low vision'. I guess I really do... I can "feel" my typing mistakes most of the time, and now I've got some glasses that will magnify stuff, if I need it, which is often. I now carry around a card-shaped magnifying thing or glasses. Oh, the meds... This current combo has seemingly been the best so far as mood extremes, especially rage, but it seems you can never do anything about that little paper that has suicidal thoughts written on it, that's filed away far, far away in the back of your mind. All you can do is say, 'Today, I think it's filed away right now." I hope I can stay on it long term, and I hope my next computer has a number keypad on the side, because I suck at typing numbers. Always have. Always leaned on 10-key, like they used in the old days.

And so it is, so you try to keep on track with what you were planning on doing today, which means you have to make a list because your memory is so fucking awful. Start the list! I go now, then out into the "Ocean Rain"...

Note: Any errors are not mine. This was checked BUTT good.