P E A C E
WARNING AT BOTTOM OF PAGE
This is a mental health/mental illness blog dealing with daily life with words that are real and raw, video, pics, and music chosen by one fucked-up kitty. I am diagnosed Bipolar, with (crippling) Anxiety Disorder, and seriously horrific PTSD.
Sometimes it's a real treat of Freedom of Speech and Crazy to let it out, and scream something out in public when you just lose it, and let the stress out of your sails in one quick go, unlike the "unlucky" majority. Nope. Can't say everything is bad 100% of the time. Now take your meds and get ready...
This blog is permanently under construction/destruction.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Thursday, September 11, 2014
WELCOME TO 1984!
WAR IS PEACE!
"ARBEIT MACHT FREI!"
"WORK MAKES YOU FREE!"
In 1984, the powers that be still tell us this old "lesson" translated into "The American Dream" still holds true! So toil away at your work, brothers and sisters, work your hardest, do your very best to become the most doubleplusgood worker! You are being monitored on your computer, and if not by cameras and bugs, then by your co-workers, who also want to be the most doubleplusgood worker. Can you blame them, brothers and sisters? Certainly not! We're all here to Obey Without Question!
Your other choice is to become a Hero of the Nation, a worthy pawn and most valuable property of your government by joining the military! You will be told you are fighting for democracy and the American people! You will become part of the world's largest economy - the American war machine! Your will legally murder complete strangers! You will handle exciting weapons that can kill strangers in ways you couldn't have imagined! You may or may not see your family or friends ever again, and if you do, you may come back without an eye or two, leg or two, arm or two, some or all of the aforementioned. You may return in a complete vegetative state or a body bag. But you will come back an American Hero, dead or alive, and someone, somewhere, will wave a little American flag for you! You will be treated better than those poor souls that came back from fighting in Viet Nam. You are even guaranteed medical care, now that national scandal, cover-up, and death business has been swept away! You are even guaranteed mental health care for the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression, and other anxiety disorders you may develop as a result of becoming a American Hero. You might even become one of the lucky ones at the DOD and receive a chip in your brain to cure you and manage your surveillance. It's for your own good, of course!
REMEMBER BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU
HE CAN OBTAIN ALL THE INFORMATION ON YOUR PHONE, RECORD VIDEO AND CALLS, TAKE PHOTOS, LISTEN IN, HIJACK YOUR DATA PROVIDER, CONTROL YOUR PHONE, TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR COMPUTER, ITS CAMERA, RECORD YOU, WATCH WHERE YOU GO, PIGGYBACK ON YOUR IP, CLAIM THINGS THAT ARE UNTRUTHS, DESTROY YOUR COMPUTER PROGRAM FROM WITHIN, FUCK WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S, ALTER YOUR BROWSERS SO THAT INFOMATION, HOWEVER UNUSEFUL AND PERSONAL, SUCH AS "I ORDERED PLAYTEX SUPER+ TAMPONS ONLINE", IS COLLECTED ON YOU, READ ALL YOUR EMAIL, ACCESS ALL SITES YOU VISIT, AND MORE = SPYING WITHOUT A WARRANT - IT IS OFTEN SOLD TO THE HIGHEST BIDDERS FOR ADVERTISING PURPOSES. IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! THIS IS DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM! THIS IS WHAT OUR AMERICAN HEROES OVERSEAS FIGHT FOR! WAR IS FREEDOM!
TODAY IS 9/11
DON'T BELIEVE THOSE INSANE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS THAT CLAIM 9/11 WAS A CAREFULLY PLANNED OUT ATTACK BY THE US ON ITSELF! SO WHAT IF THE TWIN TOWERS FLASHED LIKE THEY HAD EXPLOSIVES CAREFULLY PLANTED, AND THEY CONVENIENTLY COLLAPSED AS A PROFESSIONAL DEMOLITION JOB WOULD HAVE GONE DOWN. STRAIGHT DOWN, WITH MINIMAL DAMAGE TO THE SURROUNDING AREAS. SO WHAT IF THE PENTAGON DIDN'T SUFFER THE SAME DESTRUCTION IT WOULD AS IF A PLANE HAD ACTUALLY CRASHED INTO IT, AND THERE WAS NO PLANE WRECKAGE FOUND ON THE SITE IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARD. DICK CHENEY SAYS HE GAVE THE DIRECT ORDER TO SHOOT DOWN FLIGHT 93 THAT WAS SUPPOSEDLY HIJACKED AND HEADED FOR WASHINGTON. WHAT HAPPENED TO IT AND FLIGHT 77? IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW THE WTC WENT DOWN, WHY IT IMPLODED, WHY WITNESSES SAW A MILITARY PLANE CRASH INTO A BUILDING. MARVIN BUSH, BROTHER OF GEORGE BUSH WAS INVOLVED WITH SECURITY OF THE BUILDINGS. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT WASN'T ALL PLANNED AND CARRIED OUT BY EVIL MUSLIM TERRORISTS! DO NOT QUESTION YOUR GOVERNMENT! DO NOT QUESTION THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA! DO NOT QUESTION AUTHORITY! BE PURE, BE VIGILANT, BEHAVE! BELIEVE THE UNTRUTH!
THIS VIDEO MUST BE WATCHED.
LAST NEWS, BUT THERE'S MORE IF YOU CLICK HERE, UPS GROUNDS ALL FLIGHTS ON 9/11.
PAZ Y AMOR. SINCERE CONDOLENCES TO THOSE THAT LOST LOVED ONES, OR HAD LOVED ONES SUFFER INJURIES AT THE HANDS OF EVIL AND THE GOVERNMENT. MAY THE HANDS OF EVIL BE EXPOSED.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT...
Thursday, September 4, 2014
I don't know how I manage it, but I continue to scrape my useless ass up off the bed around 5am, throw on some clothes in the dark, and go make a pot of coffee. I even mentally and emotionally sort of prepare myself for the bitchiness of a "non-morning person". As if that's an acceptable excuse at this age. There's no point in me trying to sleep through the spouse's 5am alarm and his morning noises anyway, so I get up, even if I'm exhausted, or am waking from a dream, thinking that it's someone else next to me! D'oh! That happens on rare occasion, and I normally don't know who that person is or is supposed to be. I am under the impression that he has begun to resent the fact that I don't (can't) work.
Somehow I managed to get through the wee morning hours with the grouchy ass spouse. Even though he called in to work and said he was going to be late, just so he could take his time getting out of here. He complained about work. Because of the holiday, it's only a 4-day work week.
Something ugly is growing inside, and wants attention from me. I am trying to avoid it.
They were let off early today as well, so I was caught sitting on the couch, still in my post-treadmill stinkiness and mess. At least I managed to force myself and beat yesterday's "record" without a problem. It's getting harder and harder for me to mentally force myself on the treadmill, but easier for me once I'm on it and make sure I'm watching something that will really take me away, no matter how many times I've seen it ("Supernatural" this time). I can't wait for the latest season to come out on DVD, even though I really can't afford it. Put it on the credit card and make the spouse pick up the interest fees as payback.
Speaking of finances, I remembered the last huge statement that one of the psychologists I was seeing (and stopped) sent me, thinking, "what if I fucked up and owed the fucker some money?" So very very very reluctantly, I went through the huge piles of bills again, his pages of statements, and remembered the fact that he cashed the last check I sent. I figured out that it looked like I actually overpaid, and that he owed me money, so I wrote a neutral note this time (haha), and am sending it along with parts of statements he sent me. He's an idiot, and I thing he pretended that he had an accountant in the first place. He didn't look like he could afford such luxuries, especially working less than 40hrs pw, I noticed.
I noticed it was dark this morning, and I realized I could maybe get out in the early mornings again. What's really fucking sad was that the last time I did it alone is recorded on a starschmucks card, showing a transaction from the last week of April! I saw it when I was finally adding some stars to the account, and checking on the value of a card I found. I almost burst into tears, but it was just too incredibly shocking and pathetic. It could be wrong, but probably not. They stopped printing bags with the "free coffee" offer trade-in for the bag. Cheapass motherfuckers. It is still really fucking sad that I can't remember the date that I last got out by myself. It must have been early May, using a coffee bag.
I'm considering going out tomorrow morning, but I really want to make it up the street a few more blocks to the drugstore, to pick up a couple of notebooks for journals since I can't use this computer. It would be light by then, at 8, according to the weather channel hourly reports (yeah, OCD about weather reports and being prepared) and it looks like it will be a bright day. I can't handle that shit, and I know it. I don't know know... maybe with a mouthful of my prescribed clonazepam for the day, a cigarette, sunglasses, ipod, and a hoodie? Who knows. I'll only know how I can do it, or if I can do it tomorrow. Fuck.
I'm off to shower before reading in bed. That will surely knock me out. I'll be up early again, trying not to wake that "something ugly" that seems to be growing inside. Maybe I can drown it out with coffee or distract it by making it outside? I've still got credit on that supid coffee card and need to use it.
Dread. Better go find my solar-powered watch for the person who never goes outside before I forget it's near the window and "lose" it...