This is a mental health/mental illness blog dealing with daily life with words that are real and raw, video, pics, and music chosen by one fucked-up kitty. I am diagnosed Bipolar, with (crippling) Anxiety Disorder, and seriously horrific PTSD.
Sometimes it's a real treat of Freedom of Speech and Crazy to let it out, and scream something out in public when you just lose it, and let the stress out of your sails in one quick go, unlike the "unlucky" majority. Nope. Can't say everything is bad 100% of the time. Now take your meds and get ready...

This blog is permanently under construction/destruction.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Stolen Rose

Couldn't sleep very well last night, even though I had my Seroquel and clonazepam. I woke up so many times because of my spouse's tossing and turning, then complaining about the cold. Cold? It's summer! Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, so I got up at the asscrack of dawn - sometime before 6.30am. On a Saturday, of all days. I went out pre-medicated!

I remembered we were low on half-n-half for coffee, and that just wouldn't do for me or the spouse. So I once again thew on some clothes and a hoodie, and ventured outside, walking up to the 7-11. I was wearing sunglasses, and carrying my trusty iPod, so I assumed that's why the cashier ID'd me for the cigarettes I bought.. I'm very very well over 18, so I didn't mind too much, and used my passport.

I don't carry a state ID card because I don't want to have my address on it and strangers knowing it. I also continue to use the checks I have with my old address on them, which also has no telephone number. It's too much information to hand over to a total stranger at a cash register.

I brought another empty coffee bag to Starbucks and used it to get a free coffee, but also ordered a croissant and what they called a "chocolate croissant", that was actually a pain au chocolat. Once again, they nearly got away with heating them up, which of course you don't do, especially to a pain au chocolat! Retards! Will melt the croissant and melt the chocolate! Duh! I thought it would be nice for my spouse. Trying to get on his good side when he wakes up is very difficult, and become an awful chore that I don't look forward to.

When I got back to my building, I was digging around for my keys when an old man with a single pink rose passed me by. There was something familiar about him, though I could swear I've never seen him before. I waited at the front door of my building to see where he went. I thought he was the "crazy man" that lived across the street in the only house on the street. He ended up going right up to the house and let himself in. I wondered where he got the rose, since it was unwrapped and he came from the alley. There was something kind of sweet about it. It was gorgeous.

While outside, I felt no anxiety at all. Was it due to the fact that I just got up? I don't know, but it was good. The sky was all cloudy out, but light, without a car or person in sight. My kind of situation.

The day is only beginning, so god knows what will happen. We desperately need to go to the grocery store, and I'm trying to let the spouse sleep in as long as he can. He wakes up too early on the weekends, and he had a 6-day week this week. Now I'm anxious about how things are going to go. We need some cat litter desperately, which I could only get without him by paying for delivery or by taxi, neither of which I wanted to do. So it's up to him when we go. That also causes me some anxiety, and it could get really bad. Bad to the point that I'm all doped up on seroquel and clonazepam, desperately hanging onto a big shopping cart so I don't fall over. Add sunglasses and poor eyesight to that fucked up equation. A real mess. The spouse detests going to the grocery store. It's never a smooth ride.

Now begins the wait for him to get up so I can make a fresh pot of coffee.

The cat is running around, and acting crazy, trying to wake everybody up - probably so she can have the bed to herself. I can't blame her. That's the way I prefer it.

I'm hoping for a non-freakout day, and a trip to the grocery store, which the thought of already triggers anxiety. Could be more to come...