WARNING AT BOTTOM OF PAGE

This is a mental health/mental illness blog dealing with daily life with words that are real and raw, video, pics, and music chosen by one fucked-up kitty. I am diagnosed Bipolar, with (crippling) Anxiety Disorder, and seriously horrific PTSD.
Sometimes it's a real treat of Freedom of Speech and Crazy to let it out, and scream something out in public when you just lose it, and let the stress out of your sails in one quick go, unlike the "unlucky" majority. Nope. Can't say everything is bad 100% of the time. Now take your meds and get ready...



This blog is permanently under construction/destruction.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Chicken Run to Hell

Fuck! I had a food binge, and my spouse certainly was no help in that situation. We went on a fried chicken run to the grocery store, so we could make it back before "True Blood". When we came back, I realized that I had eaten 2 yogurts and 2 tortillas, and gawd knows what else already. I wasn't even hungry, I was just craving that salty, crunchy, greasy shit. I feel stuffed, fat, and fucking disgusting. The "good" thing about it is that I didn't think much about the way I was dressed or how I looked, threw on some sunglasses and thongs, and got in the car. I feel so dirty, like I should take a shower.

While I was waiting for the spouse to get cash out of the bank, I sat in the car waiting, smoking a cigarette. People were walking past, and on two different occasions, they were acting all obnoxious walking up and down the street, purposefully getting to close to the car. My window was stuck at half-open. I felt a potential threat from a pair that passed, stared them right down and thought if I only had a gun in my purse, and they came nearer to the car, I would point it in their fucking direction. I do NOT want people fucking with me in the street. I swear, I am a total freak magnet when it comes to just walking down the fucking street, hell, or even being out in public. There have been far too many incidents, and I just try to mind my own damn business.This is not the source of my anxiety, however, about getting outside by myself. I can't say what is, but whatever it is, it's still there. 

What's worse than all that is that I felt nauseous all morning and lay on the couch listening to more of a recorded book. I played a stupid simple computer  game at the same time, for the most part, which was since after having coffee finished around 6. Fucking sat there for HOURS. I was pissed that I woke up so early, but I keep doing it and checking to see if my spouse is gone. I don't know why. I don't feel like I can totally relax. I couldn't really pay attention to the game or the book today, then when my show came on tv this evening, I couldn't pay close attention to that either. I split my attention between the stupid game again and the tv show. I kind of figured I'd wake up later tomorrow, feeling better, and alone to enjoy my quiet morning, and re-watch the show... Fuck reality.