WARNING AT BOTTOM OF PAGE

This is a mental health/mental illness blog dealing with daily life with words that are real and raw, video, pics, and music chosen by one fucked-up kitty. I am diagnosed Bipolar, with (crippling) Anxiety Disorder, and seriously horrific PTSD.
Sometimes it's a real treat of Freedom of Speech and Crazy to let it out, and scream something out in public when you just lose it, and let the stress out of your sails in one quick go, unlike the "unlucky" majority. Nope. Can't say everything is bad 100% of the time. Now take your meds and get ready...



This blog is permanently under construction/destruction.

Friday, August 30, 2013

In Heaven Everything is Fine


Full movie "Eraserhead" below.

I've been up, I've been down, I've found tears sliding down my face for no known reason, with no thoughts in my head. I've wondered day after day when I'm going to go out alone, when I'm not forced to, as I am when I see my therapist. I wonder why my spouse has stayed away after work, having a few drinks, then coming home still not speaking to me, and getting to bed alone as quickly as possible. I wonder how the time seems to slip away so quickly - hours, days, weeks, months, yet here I sit, becoming more and more inactive, not wanting much more than to zombify myself on Seroquel and clonazepam. I try to stomp out all thoughts or feelings as soon as possible with various amounts of meds, followed by tv, computer games for simpletons, cheesy audio books, etc... Today is one of those days I'm going to need some extra mind numbing. I can feel myself shake and my face is burning. Pretty much another typical day, with the big "s" word at the back of my mind, clinging like a rabid monkey. There is no good news. I just want to feel and think nothing.