Which Way is Up?

 

Down. That's how I've been feeling. The kind of depression that 's more like anxiety and horror at the thought of dealing with anything. I'm afraid of having panic/psycho attacks more each day now. I survived yesterday, but I don't know how. I didn't get any exercise, or bother to take a shower. I did throw on some clothes before the spouse came back to make things look less pathetic. Things = me.

If I see one more positive fluff crap "posts", I'm going to be sick. I already feel sick from my meds. Again. I have the feeling that things are going to be pretty much like they were yesterday, only today my stomach is acting up, unfortunately, because I was going to try walking on the treadmill.

Walking for a few miles on the treadmill seems to be the only way to get me into the shower. I don't bother washing my hair more than once a week. I don't like shutting the door when I take a shower, because I guess I feel a little claustrophobic. I also don't like taking showers when I'm not alone at home.

My head is a mess and refuses to do its own thinking. I don't want to feel or think anything. I'm just going to listen to geeky audiobooks for the rest of the morning and afternoon. At least I can pretend that someone is reading to me. Pathetic, I know, but I can't be in the presence of a real person right now.

Guilt is the only thing that keeps me from just crawling back to bed and trying to sleep. Guilt that my spouse would think that all I did was watch tv, eat, and sleep today. I just don't have the energy to do anything but write a bit, listen to the audiobook, and curl up in a ball. Fuck it. Fuck guilt. I can't force myself to do anything today. It just scares me - the thought of stress and how it affects my moods so much. The thought of a shower is awful too, as well as washing my face and brushing my teeth. We're seriously down to the basics.

I don't know what I'll do. Tv can't seem  to hold my attention any longer. This is kind of scary, but I don't know exactly why. I'm a fucking zombie. At least I'm not crying. Crying scares the hell out of me.