WARNING AT BOTTOM OF PAGE

This is a mental health/mental illness blog dealing with daily life with words that are real and raw, video, pics, and music chosen by one fucked-up kitty. I am diagnosed Bipolar, with (crippling) Anxiety Disorder, and seriously horrific PTSD.
Sometimes it's a real treat of Freedom of Speech and Crazy to let it out, and scream something out in public when you just lose it, and let the stress out of your sails in one quick go, unlike the "unlucky" majority. Nope. Can't say everything is bad 100% of the time. Now take your meds and get ready...



This blog is permanently under construction/destruction.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

But I'm Not S.A.D.

This morning I pulled up my exercise chart, SuperBetter page, email pages, and checked email first. Google had a hayday tossing almost all political or conservation type emails into the spam bucket. Could it be something to do with Obama speaking last night? Hmm, Google? Go ahead and answer since you're reading this. Just quit sending me AARP shit, even though it arrives in spam. I'm not that fucking old!

A local Fox news channel this morning made mention about the overspending by the queen of england and played a bit of the Sex Pistols' "God Save The Queen". Just another testament of their stupidity, making it  hilarious to me, though. They also played U2's "Pride". Days late and dollars short. Morons. TV "news" is awful. I just wanted a weather report. News I can find all over the internet. So this is what made me laugh about their fuck-up:

"God Save The Queen"


God save the queen
The fascist regime
They made you a moron
Potential H-bomb

God save the queen
She ain't no human being
There is no future
In England's dreaming

Don't be told what you want
Don't be told what you need
There's no future, no future,
No future for you

God save the queen
We mean it man
We love our queen
God saves

God save the queen
'Cause tourists are money
And our figurehead
Is not what she seems

Oh God save history
God save your mad parade
Oh Lord God have mercy
All crimes are paid

When there's no future
How can there be sin
We're the flowers in the dustbin
We're the poison in your human machine
We're the future, your future

God save the queen
We mean it man
We love our queen
God saves

God save the queen
We mean it man
And there is no future
In England's dreaming

No future, no future,
No future for you
No future, no future,
No future for me

No future, no future,
No future for you
No future, no future
For you

Of course they silenced the "the fascist regime" part, and the rest of the song. Bummer. But who doesn't know the rest of the words.

I did my time under/by the S.A.D. lamp, even though I don't think I have it. I did it because my psychiatrist (that gives me meds) suggested to try it. It makes me feel like my face is going to burn up, as well as do weird things to my scalp. I just want to cover my face when I use it, but I try not to. I don't know how long I've been doing it regularly, so I can't say whether it's had any effect or not, apart from the side effects.

I was never diagnosed with S.A.D., but too many other things that drag me down with crippling anxiety and depression, which I'm facing this morning because I have a therapist appointment. Will I be able to take the bus, or will I ask for a ride, which I hate, from my spouse, who is laid off at the moment. Fuck. I "want" to take the bus, but it's impossible to predict whether I can or not, regardless of the fact that the appointment is about 2 hours away. I give myself a whole hour to get ready to go so that I won't get stressed out from being in a hurry. That doesn't help all that much anymore either. So, I'm not sad, but instead I'm depressed, pissed off, frustrated, anxious, and a bunch of other shit I don't want to dig up and slap a name on. I'm not happy that I feel like I'm getting no support or cheering on by my damn spouse. That makes me want to get away from him. Hopefully I can use that awful feeling and turn it into something positive for me. Fuck 'em.