I Hate Swiss Cheese

Take Me As I Am - Mary J Blige

These past few days I've been having the occasional extremely unwanted fucking flashback. Each one is different, but that car incident the other day really fucked with my head. I can't even put into words some of the horrors I've lived through. My brain is Swiss cheese, and I can't write or talk about all that shit.  I guess that makes me weaker than those that can just come out and share their horror stories. 

My horror stories are buried in some distant graves, but it's as if someone's worked their Voodoo on some of them, and they're pushing their way up through their rotten coffins, up toward the barren surface. They're dragging dirty old film loops to play over and over in my head, until I can shut them out, and push them as far back into the darkness that I can.

Depression and anxiety have pretty much reluctantly taken a little vacation, one after the other, and now PTSD has decided to creep back into my fucking head? Where can I find the right spell that can send all of that evil shit back to their distant graves?

I can't let my mind rest at all when I'm awake for fear of one of those old film loops playing its horrific shit over and over. I want to claw my eyes out, but I can't claw out my mind's eye. I want to blind it. I want to blind that fucker. Gouge it right the fuck out of my head. It shows me and makes me hear painful, evil, bloody, violent, twisted shit that no child or adult should have to experience or see. 

Like I said, there are gaps in my brain, gaps in my memory, whole chunks of memories gone, years of missing time, and blackouts. I don't know all the facts, I don't remember enough, but I remember too much. Forgotten people and places, forgotten faces. Some of it could probably be blamed on booze, drugs, unknown effects of long-term prescription drug use. 

Maybe the seroquel and clonopin will hit me hard tonight, and I won't remember any dreams when I wake up during the night. I hope. Maybe listening to classical music all through the night will help - no lyrics to think about. I'll have the window open to let some cool, comforting fresh air come in. Maybe it'll all take me away to a known, safe dream world that I'm familiar with. 

Tomorrow I'll wake up and start all over again.