What a fucking miracle and massive fuck-up at the same time. Out of all the numbers I called for a new therapist, only one bitch called me back. So I set up an appointment with her, and it was yesterday. Her office was within walking distance, I noticed, per google maps, but it did not account for all the fucked up construction that completely cut off walking access on the streets. I ended up walking in a big circle, and had massive lower back pain from standing in front of the mirror caking on makeup for no particular reason. I shoved a lot of clonopin under my tongue in a very short amount of time. I had to stop a couple of times and have a cigarette while listening to my ipod. One song, over and over, and you will laugh at this:
I was ready to fucking kill somebody. I was sweating. I HATE sweating. I was really fucking ready to throw down. I was just waiting for somebody to fuck with me. I had a few more clonopin under my tongue. Then I saw my own block and thought 'I could just fucking go home, and say fuck this shit'. But, in severe pain and all, being a stubborn fuck, I had to try again. Man, I swallowed chunks of seroquel dry! I must have had about 250mg seroquel and 5mg clonopin I ended up asking a construction dude some directions, he was more than happy to help. So I set out again, and finally found the place. Stairs. Fucking stairs. I made my appointment right on the dot.
I'm "anal" (hate that word for that expression) about appointments. I have to be there way early or not at all. My thinking is that if I get there earlier, then I will be less anxious about the person I'm seeing. It works for me and my ipod. :)
I was burning up and in need of water badly. My sleeves were up, I was so hot, so my tattooed sleeves were visible, even though I didn't want them to be seen the first time around. Talk about stigma!
The therapist seemed a bit timid, but brought me some water. I felt like an old surly dog that could still bite if provoked. Maybe she could see that, I don't know. She got over it, when she skimmed over the forms I filled out for her (about me), and we began talking. I felt like the Incredible Hulk then in that room, trying to chill, and an older hippie type lady there, just a wee bit uncomfortable. Could have been all in my head. Fuck if I know.
We talked briefly about a lot of things I'd mentioned on the forms,and asked what I was looking for now, why I was seeking out help. I told her about the shrink I'd been going to. I used to be able to take the bus alone to see him. Now I can't. I'm worse off for seeing him than not. She didn't look happy about that. He just couldn't get a handle on things. I asked her to read over my stuff and make sure that she things she can be able to handle my mess, and help. She seemed really positive about it, and understood how overwhelming the whole day's shit had been. Yeah, I fucking cried for no reason. I could have kicked myself. We made another appointment.
I buzzed down the street with all that heavy seroquel and clonopin, wearing sunglasses, and felt the same "get the fuck outta my way" as I would normally if I was able to walk down the street alone, without those meds, like before. ipod song was different. Can't remember what it was. I couldn't wait to get home alone. When I did, the spouse was already there. Fuck. No time to heal in private from that trauma! Not happy. Not happy at all. He didn't force me to go to the store with him that day.
I'm being forced to go to the store today, so I have to take a shower and this time actually wash my longass nearly black hair. I hate it. Takes forever to dry, but I won't care if I have to go out that way. I'll have my sunglasses on and won't be alone. I forced myself on the treadmill when I was feeling pretty anxious, had some clonopin, and walked it off.
I am fucking tired and went out in the rain early this morning to get some half-n-half, then later to starschmucks. That's where I noticed that my leggings were nearly see-through! I was disgusted and tried to cover up. I guess I washed away all the cotton and what's left is the stretchy shit. Fuck. Good thing I wasn't wearing some bright colored underwear! I won't be wearing those outdoors again without some opaque tights maybe.
Fuck. Just called the other therapist, and realized that I didn't cancel tomorrow's appointment with him. Too late. Have to go and be saying good bye, I believe. I won't be staying too long.
Shower time. I prefer to take a shower when no one is here but me and the cat. I can relax in the hot water. Alone. Gloriously alone!
PS: Don't worry about the banana scare that Fox is reporting. I've never seen bananas in stores on the west coast come from anywhere else but Central America and Mexico. Why they fuck are they playing "Don't Fear (The Reaper)" in the background?! WTF?! 7.37am PT Wed!
Wow you went through so much and kept at it. You are a fucking rock star Frankie. I hope you know that. Most people would have turned tail and ran not walked back home. But not you because you are just that strong. I am sitting here reading this and cheering you on. You can do this and you will do this because whether you know it or not, you are a force to be reckoned with. You are a warrior and you kick ass. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteI'm no rock star! I'm one surly old stubborn ass bitch nowadays! I missed a shrink appointment earlier in the month due to anxiety attack, but when I saw my street corner, I said fuck no, I am NOT going to flush another $100 or whatever down the toilet! I don't care how much my back is killing me! I'm going to find that god damned place! I have some rage issues now, and since it was partly sunny yesterday, that made things even worse, causing me to feel even more "stabby" or "murdery". I'll remember to bring seroquel with me always! Though it could have been that I had my favorite boots on. :D Thanks for your kind words, dear Ms Lady N! Sometimes my force almost scares me, that I might not just yell like the crazy lady, but smack someone. I'll have to talk to my meds shrink about this next week. Hope he doesn't give me Thorazine! ha!
DeleteFL I think there is nothing that is major wrong with U..that U cannot fix.
ReplyDeleteU basically need to supplement w/ Omega 1000 mg. 3x a day
Niacin or Niaciamide.. 500 mg 2 a day
Magnesium 500 mg 2 a day.
No coffee
No sugar
A Vegetarian organic diet.
No caffeine.
No sodas
Lots of water
Let me know besides anxiety & deppression are the any other symptoms that you suffer from.
Please let me know if U would like to commit to feeling well.
I can help you. You are a brilliant beloved lady that has much to offer this world.
Best..
I've got major damage from brain disease and terrible trauma that can't be wiped away with a handful of vitamins and a diet I can't afford. I'm sticking to the drugs that I know will let me sleep, ease some major anxiety and deal with the bipolar crazy. My meds Dr has stuck with me for 20yrs and I trust him. Thanks for the suggestions though.I'll keep my drugs. I like drugs.
Delete