This is a mental health/mental illness blog dealing with daily life with words that are real and raw, video, pics, and music chosen by one fucked-up kitty. I am diagnosed Bipolar, with (crippling) Anxiety Disorder, and seriously horrific PTSD.
Sometimes it's a real treat of Freedom of Speech and Crazy to let it out, and scream something out in public when you just lose it, and let the stress out of your sails in one quick go, unlike the "unlucky" majority. Nope. Can't say everything is bad 100% of the time. Now take your meds and get ready...

This blog is permanently under construction/destruction.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Rising Tide of Rage


I managed to get out of bed in the dark this morning at 6 am wth the help of the alarm and my cat tapping on me. I changed into my usual sloppy "workout" clothes, and while changing, I looked over at the sliding glass door, and it was looking too light out there for me. If it wasn't for "Game of Thrones" last night, I probably would have run and hid under the covers around 8pm, maybe earlier. It's easier for me to fall asleep alone, even though I'm on such a big dose of drugs for my size (I think).

After looking at the giant, black rat's nest, I thought twice about going outside, but I thought again that this is going to be my only happy time of the day, so I better fucking go, no matter what. I put on some powder, mascara, and lip balm, patted my hair down, and called it good enough. Who cares. My ears will be plugged with earphone so I can't hear any insult that might fly my way. That was paranoia.

More and more shattered car window glass was on the sidewalk a few steps away from my building. Somebody must really get their jollies out of smashing car glass into a trillion "diamonds". The homeless neighbors were still asleep on their stoops. No one was camped out behind the bushes where I saw someone a couple of times. I was glad it had been a dry and fairly mild night.

After I finished sucking down my coffee, I was starting to freak a bit because I was unmedicated, and the daylight was coming! I tried to be calm about it, tried to look away, and act like it was no big deal. I tried to notice something different about the usual early crowd, but there was nothing. I couldn't think fast enough of something to find on my ipod to listen to that might help. So I said fuck it, and I was outta there. I chain smoked on the way home, which helped, found the spouse was awake already (damn!), and went straight for the meds.

The first thing he said to me was that he needed a smoke. Nice. He could have gone out and got some while I was gone! I told him to wait, that I needed my meds BADLY, and he just has to wait. No surprise that he was looking pissed. I didn't care. I made him wait. Later, he drove 3 or 4 blocks instead of walking a block or 2 away to get more. Fucking lazy or what?

Got some potentially good news this afternoon, though. Someone he used to work with called him and told him that his company is hiring and they have a lot of work. He updated his resume, and arranged an interview for tomorrow. FUCKING FINALLY. He was finally starting to see the slob he'd become, wearing PJs all day, never doing anything, never going anywhere, never helping out, never being supportive apart from the occasional ride to the shrink.

Bitch bitch bitch.

I got tired of G+ a while ago, with all the fucking flag-waving shit, yammering on about what patriots they are, and unwanted softcore porn. Fuck that shit. I don't give a fuck about flags, I am not a "patriot", nor do I care to see pictures of half-naked/naked broads that these men deem worth of making out like they are the ideal types/body types, objectifying them. Lumps of meat. Why post such crap when you can just jerk off to it on your own time. Funny you never see pictures of what they look like themselves.

The Oxford dictionary lists a patriot as:
A person who vigorously supports their country and is prepared to defend it against enemies or detractors.

I don't support the shit that goes down in this country. I'm not getting shot or killed for someone else other than to save my child or immediate family, friends, and their families. Violence just escalates, and nothing good comes of it. Murder is murder, whether you want to label it "war" or not. "Thou shall not kill". Can it be any more clear than that?