Play SuperBetter, Feel at Least a Little Better, Trust Me!

I don't know if I've written about this game before (SuperBetter), but like the creator, in the video above, it's helping me not want to kill myself. And as you know, to someone with BP, PTSD, BPD, and anxiety is a BIG fucking deal. It's given me some energy and mental strength that I forgot that I had. I really really recommend looking at it and giving it a try. You can make your "quests" as difficult as "getting out of bed" (which can be hell at times) to walking 5mi, or whatever you want to make it. You can tailor your "quests", "power ups", ways to earn points and get better. Boost your willpower. Create your own Secret Identity/superhero avatar with pic! You can connect with others that are playing too as "Allies". If you dare, you can post completed quests to FB. There's a ton of possibilities for this game. I told one of my shrinks about it last week, and he was blown away by the idea and checked it out.

Please watch at least the first 10 minutes of the video, even though it sounds like a lot. It's better than spending 10 minutes sitting and thinking about the "s" word.

There is no current android app, but you can still play it on your computer if you don't have an iphone.

I've been playing the game for a couple of weeks on my laptop so far and am still trying to get the hang of things, and it's been good for me. I've tried making lists of things to do to keep me busy, but that never worked in the past. This is something way different and rewarding, getting me through the worst time of the month. If anybody decides to play and needs an ally, contact me, and I would be happy to play along with another superhero.

Calm. The. Fuck. Down.

One minute everything seems hunky dory, the next, it's funky poor-y. Fucking anxiety. It is a fact that I pretty much live thinking consciously/unconsciously that I have to do everything as fast as I possibly can, like the Energizer Bunny on wicked coke and a portable caffeine IV. I reminded myself of that as soon as I was done washing up and getting dressed in the bathroom. Then I went into the bedroom and told my spouse the same shit, and that there is absolutely no fucking reason why I should be in a rush about anything! I'm on disability! I can't work! I don't have something that needs taking care of 24/7 FFS. As soon as I was done mentioning it, I let myself cry a tear or two and walk away. I don't like to let myself cry ever, if I can help it.

Fuck this moody shit! Fuck this hormonal hell! Fuck this manic/depressed shit! Yummy is this cinnamon graham cracker!

I do have one really good thing to be giving myself a pat on the back for (or cinnamon graham cracker), and that is getting on the treadmill again! And on a Sunday, of all days, after getting a wake-up paw poke in the face from the cat at 5ish. I just need to calm my ass down and try not to overdo it on the clonopin (addictive) and Seroquel.

Ok, now I have to find something to post with this...

Google and Your Already Paranoid Brain

Yeah, use their search engine and the products you were looking at will magically show up on most of the other websites you go to, even ones you have to use a password to get into, making you more paranoid than you already are. And of course the old news that your email is being scanned for ads as well. I get tired of shit I looked at already. I don't fucking want to see it anymore And what's the point of this silly ad, knowing all the above and after the NSA was exposed?

2 people spied on you - www .webshieldonline .com - Free tool that shows you who's spying on you!

Two people? Shit, fucker, get in line. Slowpoke. I'll tell you who's the tool.

And now I have to stop because the side effect from meds of nausea is getting to me.

Justice For Kelly Thomas, Mentally Ill Man Murdered By Police

Re:  Kelly Thomas case, there is a Facebook page and petition on it. You can get there by clicking here.

Early to Bed, Early to Rise Makes a Crazy Woman Just Plain Crazy

                                                                         Quetzal

 
No video today. Sore throat, sore back, and lukewarm tea is all I have going on here.

I don't really have much to say apart from the fact that it saddens me when I am reminded how other people are suffering too, from depression, crippling anxiety, suicidal ideation...

I spent most of the afternoon sleeping, as I was knocked out by some Seroquel.

I think what's kept me alive for the past week or so is a "game" called SuperBetter. Here is a bit more about it. It was created by a woman that was suicidal, to save her own life. It got me back on the treadmill, feeling better about little things that are a big job to me like getting dressed, exercising, taking a shower, etc, though I'm still a shut-in. I recommend it, to at least try it. I was suicidal when I started, and now I'm not. I'm not thrilled about life, but I feel like I have accomplished some little things towards my goal of "not wanting to shoot myself in the head and live and be happy".

Tomorrow I have to go to the psychologist, which I'm not looking forward to, but I'm almost looking forward to leaving his office and going home alone on the bus with my ipod and sunglasses, my  head empty of  the emotional dump I will have taken on the guy. Emotional dump and run, and the green tea is free. Well, included in the price that Medicare Part B doesn't pay. I will feel alone, but alone and free. My husband will be sitting around at home. He's been laid off from work.

I already miss being alone during the day, no matter how isolated I feel sometimes, at least I can do it privately. That means, of course, that I feel alone when my husband is around. Yeah, shitty marriage. Don't want to go there now. "Supenatural" is on.

My sleep sucks ass, but at least for the first few hours, I'm good. I spray perfume in my hair before I go to bed for my own kind of "aromatherapy". I get to sleep even faster with that, though I do take 600mgs of Seroquel. Whatever works, right?

Fucking Dump

I fucking hate email sometimes. I just can't bear to write any more shit about how depressed, anxious, suicidal, miserable, etc I've been feeling. I just don't want to take the ol' emotional dump on someone. Except for maybe the psychologist... then again I think what I say to him when I express emotions just goes in one ear and out his ass. Well, that's what he's getting a big fucking serving of on Wednesday.

MLK JR Day.

I remember when this came out. And I remember Trayvon Martin. I remember Rodney King. I remember Anita Hill.

RIP: Kelly Thomas, Schizophrenic and Homeless Man Cops Beat to DEATH Walk FREE

Cops who beat homeless man to death walk free

Click on the link to read the story, see graphic video and photos. This man was treated worse than any homeless person that I have ever seen or read about. It is shocking and horrific. The injustice of this case... there are no words...

Fucking cops and city gov war on homeless mentally ill...

Einstürzende Neubauten - Kalte Sterne

Wir sind kalte Sterne..

Kalte Sterne Lyrics

Einstürzende Neubauten

Wir sind Kalte Sterne (Du kannst sehen wie wir funkeln)
Nach uns kommt nichts mehr
Bakterien
Jede einzelne eine Bakterie
Für Dein Hirn für deine Seele für dein Herz
Nie wieder
Nach uns nichts mehr
Wir sind Kalte Sterne (Du kannst sehen wie wir funkeln)
Und nach uns kommt nichts mehr (Kannst du sehen wie wir funkeln?)
Nie wieder
Kalte Sterne
Wir sind alle Monde dieser Welt
Alle Sterne dieser Welt
Aber nach uns kommt nichts mehr
Kalte Sterne (Sieh zu wie wir funkeln)
Wir sind Kalte Sterne
Nach uns kommt nichts mehr
Wir sind Kalte Sterne
Alle Monde
Alle Sonnen
Abwärts
Zur Sonne
Wie Kalte Sterne
Bakterien für eure Seele
Kalte Sterne
Kalte Sterne
Kalte Sterne


English Translation:

We are Cold Stars (You can see how we twinkle)
After us there is nothing
Bacteria
Each one a bacterium
for your brain for your soul for your heart
Never again
After us there will be nothing
We are Cold Stars (You can see how we twinkle)
And after us there will be nothing (Can you see how we twinkle?)
Never again
Cold Stars
We are all the moons of this world
All the stars of this world
But after us there will be nothing
Cold Stars (Look how we twinkle)
We are Cold Stars
After us there will be nothing
We are Cold Stars
All moons
All suns
Down
Towards the sun
Like cold stars
Bacteria for your soul
Cold Stars
Cold Stars
Cold Stars

It's Been A Long Time

Yawn in the beginning. Music actually starts at 2:27. Put on your seat belt and prepare for some corny old times. Yawn some more.

Yes, it's been what seems forever since I've bothered to sit down and write. I've been more depressed and anxious, which is my excuse for not writing. I've been numbing my brain with TV online - entire series of shows on Xfinity online. Numbing it with that and a higher dose of generic Seroquel. 

I'm still one miserable ol' fuck. 

I'm up to 600mgs of Seroquel a day/night, and still taking 4mgs of clonazepam per day with that to try and deal with my horrific anxiety. It seemed to get better, then back to the old shit. I'm still taking wellbutrin, prozac in the morning, (sort of) spreading 4mgs of clonazepam throughout the day, and still cutting myself 100mgs of Seroquel at about midday, when my crazy really creeps up on me and bitch slaps me like a motherfucker. My face burns up, I sweat, shake, feel panic, feel like I'm going to lose it and do something crazy, cry and explode. That's when I get the Seroquel chunk with part of its time-release coating cut off, and a clonazepam under the tongue, in hopes of quick relief of at least some of the symptoms. 

It's so exhausting being so fucked up as you/we all know. It's a shame that normal, functioning people can't seem to understand it. That you're physically and emotionally exhausted from just FEELING anything, from surviving the day, even if you never set foot outside or peep out a window. It's also a shame that you can't really continue to dump your Debbie Downer shit on anyone anymore either. I'm starting to feel like there's not even a point in doing it with the psychologist. That makes me want to punch him instead of paying his bills, which I am behind in. 

I feel lucky to have saved a strange little black cat from the city shelter (a few years ago) that is disturbed in her own ways, and am lucky to have her company. She doesn't act "normal" and "friendly" in the same ways that most cats do, but does show her affection, and has been learning to communicate in other funny ways. I'm learning from her, learning to accept her kooky ways, and getting my hair full of cat spit. 

Well, it's certainly been a long time since I've been on the treadmill in any regular way, and I'm going to try and try again this morning. It will help push me into the shower that I definitely need after sweating like a pig off and on all night long last night. Must get back into my old routine. 

Anybody heard of SuperBetter or playing SuperBetter out there?

PS Dear Pope Frankie, since you named yourself after St Francis of Assisi, patron saint of animals, please exorcise my demons and tell them to get the fuck out of my head and body.

Looking Forward to Halloween

The only "holiday" worth celebrating.
Lately the generic seroquel has been doing me some good and relieving me of some anxiety, depression, and vague suicidal thoughts. I'm ok. I keep telling myself that I'm ok...

Neko Case- I wish I was the Moon Tonight (True Blood Season 4)

Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child-Paul Robeson

This pretty much says it all for me.