Nein, Doktor! Nein!

 And fucking blogger isn't cooperating. I don't have the patience to fix this. I have

tried 3 times already and everything looks normal from this end.

As usual, it's taken me forever to get back up on the horse and ride. Write. Whatever. The

last thing I've been working on (and still am) is restoring my computer and trying to find an

antivirus program other than the free norton one that is offered free with $hitcast, so that

they know everything you do. The other problem with that is that after some research into

some files that were installed after I deleted all my stuff, and allowed (mistake!) the

spouse to "restore to factory settings" or some shit, I found that M$ plants trackers in your

computer to log and monitor any use of tor browser! I've been accused by the spouse of being

"too paranoid", But I wanted to drop $hitcast's "free" norton because they dig into

everything you own, everywhere you ever go, or what ever you even touch. Some pretty nasty

stuff.

I like my privacy. I would like to be able to turn on my computer and use it without

thinking, even that the internet is turned off, reports on every single key I hit are being

compiled, readied for transmission to the Computer Overlords, especially when you use tor

browser. Some reports are sent to an email address there as well as a prestigous "ivy league"

school. Some are encryped with some plain old english sprinkled in, some are directed to

write in python, which I believe you can learn off a famous school's website for free, to ID

the software user, and basically spy on them for no good goddamned reason. I never gave my

permission for that, nor did I see any mention of tor browser in any "user agreement" you

FUCKERS. Also, they infect your computer with google shit, so I would scour your computer for

that shit if you don't want that either.

Since my memory is shit, and I wiped so many programs, shortcuts, files and docs I had on the

desktop, it looks naked now, and I'm afraid that if I do remember what is missing, that I

won't be able to install it, and have a fear of downloading it, especially without any kind

of antivirus program. I sure as hell don't want to ask for help in doing these things because

he already fucked up my reset by not even asking me my preferences, just wanted to act like

he knew what he was doing.

Another reason why I don't like asking for help...

Bad news... my shrink suddenly came down with cancer and left for a really unspecified amount

of time... So far I've had to see Dr Nazi, who treated me like a common criminal that just

crawled out of the gutter, and made me take an alcohol/drug test just to get a refill on my

clonazepam for my fucking anxiety, that I have been taking for AT LEAST 10 YEARS, and have

not abused, but FUCKING NEEDED! DU SCHWEINHUND DUMKOPF DUMBFUCK IGNORANT SHITBAG! Take a course on psychompharmacology, you stupid cunt! I am not a drug or alcohol abuser, nor am I am idiot, fucking condescending Nazi cunt! I did not just crawl out of the fucking gutter with a needle in one arm, a cig in one hand, and a vodka martini in the other, dickhead!

I'm lost without my old shrink for meds for a while, and I feel so terrible for this man

that's been so good to me, so respectful, and trusting. A world-class dude. He would not give

up on me after all this time! The clock is ticking for me to find another shrink for the same

purposes that either knows him, that he has recommmended, that I can afford, that I can get

to easily, that won't talk down to me, that will keep me on the same meds, as they seem to be

working very well as appetite suppressants! Also, keeping the mood swinging down, the anger

and rage I used to feel is totally gone, at ALL times of the month. The only thing I notice

is I get a little weepy for a second or two at that time of the month. I did cry about my Dr's situation, because I honestly care for that man.

I get irritable, but not as bad as before at all. Things have just changed. I still have had

no anxiety attacks, except, I have noticed I am more anxious in the car than I used to be. The

sun has kept me inside, however, and by order of spouse, the death threat from the suspected

neighborhood drug dealer has kept me out of the garage under the building. So no trash or

recycling for me. Also not a good idea to be around in the side/entry of the building, with

the amount of non-fans I have who might want to pick a fight with me. And they are guys. I'm not afraid of those cunts. My old man was bigger, heavier, and louder than them. But we won't go there right now...

Fuck $tarschmucks, their fake fucking bullshit, their fake fucking Starbuckspeak. I do not

want to support that shit anymore, even if I have to suffer to go somewhere else. I want a

real fucking cup of coffee, not some overpriced frou frou shit with some stupidass name that

some fatcats sat at a table thought up, laughed about, and decided to inflict upon americans,

after creating and inflicting the english-american language Starbuckspeak upon the people.

And thou shalt learn it fluently, lest their "barista" bitches (male and female) shit their

pants should someone dare or or err in their order of something in non-Starbusckspeak! They

just may write up about you, calling you an "idiot" or worse, and write about their side of

the story in a site on Livejournal. Yes, that's what I have heard, or read, at least. I'll

use the place as a public toilet if I need to, and nothing more. There's gotta be other

places, like one hidden in the alley that's got plain old drip coffee like normal people used

to drink back in the day, wifi, and maybe an outlet or two? Back in the day where people when

to coffee shops to drink as much coffee as possible, smoke, and talk to each other, not play

with their fucking phones... If not, maybe one a short trip away. Where there are students,

there are coffee shops and wifi. My only problem is getting out of this cage, the sun, the

heat, water, and being able to find a decent toilet. I... GOT... TO... GET... THE... FUCK...

OUT... OF... HERE...

Usually, I tend to write more when I'm feeling shitty, I know it. But it's been too long and

all sorts has gone on. The best thing is my girl's in town, and I've been sort of rebuilding

a friendship online with another person that's suffering from physical and some psych shit,

poor thing, but she lives in the suburbs, unfortunately. She's having an impossible time

getting out on her own too. I'm going to try and make an attempt to meet up with her at some

point. I'm also hoping to stay with my girl for a few days and just be silly and forget about

everything for a while. Also get a break from the spouse taking all his shit out on me and

not owning up to it. I've had more than enough of it. I need to get away from him, and I'm

sure he'd be more than happy to drive me away from here so he could have time alone to

himself to do fuck all, as usual.

Next morning, I'm up at 5, it's dark, and I see the big, beautiful moon through the shades.

I'm exhausted, and all of a sudden my parade gets shit on by a combination of spousal non-

morning attitude and my own anxiety at the thought of puttinig on some clothes, and forcing

myself outside. Not just outside, but getting ready to go outside, and by that time, it will

be light. I'd have to take the bus, beg the driver for a discounted rate because my pass

expired, then take a ride downtown, getting off in the middle of real PEOPLE and what seems

like CHAOS! Fuck...

I felt so shitty, ashamed, down, like a fucking failure, an idiot, loser fucking ape on prescription meds that can't fucking leave this fucking place. I felt like throwing up and my head hurt, so I took a chance and took the aspirin. There wasn't going to be any treadmill for me.

Time just flew by as I had "Supernatural" going on in the background, and I just blew the whole day, and it turned my stomach so badly. I didn't want to think and so I lost myself literally by digging in the trash on the computer. Files that were supposed to be deleted from the browser, from the bin, from the "cleaner" app that I downloaded free years ago, and kept up to date. Yet I found this shit still hiding away in the computer. It even seemed m$n had even developed little profiles and all sorts of programs and commands to work around yours that get into anything and everthing that you have, where you go, what you do, proxy or not, and they save this shit. I noticed that tor browser and keeping an eye on your uploads and download times as well as scanning what you downloaded for every identifiable mark, code, number, crack, cert, note, you name it, and they are in cahoots with google, so you know I wiped those fuckers out of my computer as far as I could tell, but I will keep checking, and checking on some other bothersome shit. I don't know how I manage to spend so much time like that without going crazy or getting bored like ordinary people would. I guess because it's a big puzzle that will certainly never be solved by the likes of a self-declared technophobe like me. I felt especially sick when I came across this comment made in a document, "BA What are the odds that some idiot will name his mutex ether-rot-mutex!" Today, I officially name my "mutex" Ether-Rot-Mutex! Whateverthefuck.

I know I shouldn't be so down on myself for not making such a HUGE move today, and on a hot one, too, where I'd actually have to carry around water. That's one of those odd things that irritates me about people. I don't know why. I can at least feel a sense of relief that there were no new bills in the mail, but that I won't have the convenience of paying them online until I get a decent antivirus program, although I'm not totally sure wny when I'm already being spied upon by m$n, comca$t, google, and whoever manages to track me that I haven't blocked out. Plus the NSA, maybe the CIA and FBI too.

I hope the weather takes a terrible turn tomorrow, and there are thunderstorms with lightening and pouring rain! That way, I may actually want to get outside, and it may even get the spouse off of work for a bit, and he could come and get me, and take me down to get another bus pass. The more rain out, the less tourists and shit, less people on the buses. I'm telling myself anything I fucking can to ease the anxiety, talk it right the fuck out of my head. Do a rain dance, dreaming in my sleep. Pray to the Great Spirit for my baby, some loved ones, children who suffer, women who suffer, people dying over controlling people, land, stupid old religions, old grudges, money, and oil.

I'm almost glad now that I don't have access to the real news online, it's been making me insane enough on the morning fuckin tv - yelling at it and wanting to pull my hair out. I can't stand it. I'm "forced" to at least hear the tv news in the morning when I'm up at the same time as the spouse. He gets his news online. 

And now I finally shower and go to bed to lie in front of that fan in my underwear... Hopefully to be wakened by alarms and storms.

Ruby Woo and Moxie

 Einstürzende Neubauten: Sand    Live 1985


*Um, not exactly once (this is here at the top for a good reason known to me)...


I woke up and was completely clueless for once*. And that was after the coffee. At least I wasn't feeling anxious at all. Yet.

I have the usual appointment with the shrink today. I was going to try to make it by bus all alone. My spouse is home, still laid off from work. He asked me where I was going today, and I told him, the usual weekly shrink appointment. I was irritated, of course, because he already knows this. Why is he pretending not to know? Was he waiting for me to beg for a ride? It seemed like he was hiding in the bedroom. Maybe trying to avoid me? I got pissed.

I slapped on my warpaint, including my Ruby Woo MAC lipstick, which I love, missed, and haven't worn in ages, since I rarely leave the house. My husband doesn't like it so much anymore, because I think he think it brings on more attention? Fuck 'em. My lips are the only part of my body that I can live with without wanting to change. I know, it sounds weird.

So why is it harder to go to the Dr today? Why am I feeling more anxious lately?

My spouse is outside at the moment now, having a cigarette..

A few smacks on the sides of my face! Fucking snap out of it! Don't be a miserable shivering little fucking chihuahua, FFS! You've done this before! Breathe! You'll have sunglasses and an iPod! Get the fuck over it. Once the sting was gone, the anxiety was back. This is not working.

I had a good idea which should have been suggested (in my opinion) by my spouse ages ago! Or I shouldn't have been such a fucking dimwit and thought of this before.I asked him to walk me to the bus stop. He reluctantly agreed. He walked fast, and I held his hand down the street to my stop. We said our goodbyes, and he asked me if I needed a ride back. What the hell? He acts like I'm putting him out like fuck for asking him to walk me, but he doesn't mind jumping in his car? Yeah, he hates walking. I miss walking. I used to like it, to go exploring downtown, and the older parts of town by bus and walking.

I'm back. I made the bus back home on time. I was kind of glad there was another person there at the bus stop. I don't know why. Maybe so I wouldn't be thinking so much about me and my tiny, pathetic world, and trying to imagine what the other guy was doing standing at that bus stop in the middle of the day.

So I made it to the shrink's and back. I still felt shaky on the bus. I sat in the very front where the disabled and elderly sit. I'm disabled and have the discounted bus pass to prove it, so I sit there. It's a demeaning experience waiting in line, having your pic taken, filling out forms, only to get your disabled buss pass. Then you get to feel like you're officially a second-class citizen. It's a demeaning annual ritual. Anyway, I can't see very well, and need to be able to try to check the street signs as the bus goes along, so I don't miss my stop. Sometimes I ask the driver to stop at my stop, but it's embarrassing.

I had my tea, and the conversation was all over the place with the shrink. I was just too much of a mess to have a plan, and I guess he was just too lazy, or too lax to have had some sort of plan. I don''t know what the fuck I'm doing there lately. All that happened is he said some shit about driving - using it to liken it to something else, which was a trigger for me, I was still raw and feeling weak from the anxiety I'd been going through. At least he asked about what we should be doing, and plan on talking about that next week..Fuck it. Whatever. There's next week, and hope that my spouse will be out of here and working.I don't know. Maybe I'll just have to tough it out alone then.

My spouse being around 24/7 is probably the reason for the added anxiety I've been experiencing. I can think of nothing else. Mycat's fine, she's been to the vet recently and got a shot, is in good health. Acts crazy, sweet, sleeps a lot. I'm... well, y'know. Nuts. I think I should be getting out more by moonlight, but cutting down on the caffeine, and drinking more water when I get back home.

Dehydration made me think of this: I remember having an insane psychotic attack one early morning on a trip to a little snowy (very snowy) nearby vacation town. I had been drinking like crazy the night before, then drank tons of coffee the next morning, and had no water. I must have been soooo dehydrated I just lost it. I got to the point where I went outside alone in the snow with my ipod, trying to bury myself and shit. I was found eventually, then I had auditory hallucinations, and a weird sort of blindness. It was kinda scary, and dare I say kinda cool.. I said NO DRs and refused to go to a hospital. It ended about 6 hours later in the comfort of a dark hotel room.

That same person who took care of me then came to the psych ward I was on years later and told me he wanted me to moved out. Yes, while I was still at the hospital without a discharge date. I hope his house value shrinks to nothing, and burns down. I hope I destroyed all the rose bushes and a tree in the front yard. I hope he gets laid off, fucked over, dies of a heart attack, gets deported, killed while drinking and driving, struck down by lightning, shot and killed in a drive by, falls into a sinkhole, gets beaten to death and robbed, flies off a cliff, gets buried under an avalanche, dies fat, alone, wrinkly, and miserable. This is what I call therapy. I wish I wish I wish. I should have picked up some voodoo skills while I was in New Orleans.

I've got a big challenge I want to WIN. I want to go out tomorrow AM in the moonlight and start my day right. I have to deal with a crazed cat, myself, my spouse, the store, and drugstore tomorrow, so I want a good start!

She Goes By Moonlight

I was determined to get up and out at 5am to grab my free reward coffee this morning. I didn't need an alarm. I woke up so many damn times I can't even count. After throwing on a little workout outfit and my tennies, I slipped outside alone, by moonlight in a light drizzle of rain. There were 3 people sleeping on porches of buildings along the way. It was good to see that they were at least sheltered from the rain.

The moon was gorgeous, and it just covered with clouds before I could get a pic of it.

Starbucks was like a 5am sausage lonely hearts club party. Almost all of the patrons, who were all men, stared at me. They had the look of abandoned puppies in their eyes. I was the only female in the place. After I grabbed my stuff and left, I saw the moon again and realized that it was as if I was on auto-pilot most of the time, and how easy it had been for me to get outside alone - in the dark and drizzling rain.

I practically bounced along on the sidewalk all the way home to mindless, happy music. My anxiety level had been close to nil, and on no meds. Insane!

Just inside the doors, on top of the mailboxes, was a bunch of gorgeous rejected red roses, in perfect shape, pushed into the corner. 

A good start to what is usually a trying day. I wish the sun wouldn't come up.

Stolen Rose

Couldn't sleep very well last night, even though I had my Seroquel and clonazepam. I woke up so many times because of my spouse's tossing and turning, then complaining about the cold. Cold? It's summer! Anyway, I couldn't take it anymore, so I got up at the asscrack of dawn - sometime before 6.30am. On a Saturday, of all days. I went out pre-medicated!

I remembered we were low on half-n-half for coffee, and that just wouldn't do for me or the spouse. So I once again thew on some clothes and a hoodie, and ventured outside, walking up to the 7-11. I was wearing sunglasses, and carrying my trusty iPod, so I assumed that's why the cashier ID'd me for the cigarettes I bought.. I'm very very well over 18, so I didn't mind too much, and used my passport.

I don't carry a state ID card because I don't want to have my address on it and strangers knowing it. I also continue to use the checks I have with my old address on them, which also has no telephone number. It's too much information to hand over to a total stranger at a cash register.

I brought another empty coffee bag to Starbucks and used it to get a free coffee, but also ordered a croissant and what they called a "chocolate croissant", that was actually a pain au chocolat. Once again, they nearly got away with heating them up, which of course you don't do, especially to a pain au chocolat! Retards! Will melt the croissant and melt the chocolate! Duh! I thought it would be nice for my spouse. Trying to get on his good side when he wakes up is very difficult, and become an awful chore that I don't look forward to.

When I got back to my building, I was digging around for my keys when an old man with a single pink rose passed me by. There was something familiar about him, though I could swear I've never seen him before. I waited at the front door of my building to see where he went. I thought he was the "crazy man" that lived across the street in the only house on the street. He ended up going right up to the house and let himself in. I wondered where he got the rose, since it was unwrapped and he came from the alley. There was something kind of sweet about it. It was gorgeous.

While outside, I felt no anxiety at all. Was it due to the fact that I just got up? I don't know, but it was good. The sky was all cloudy out, but light, without a car or person in sight. My kind of situation.

The day is only beginning, so god knows what will happen. We desperately need to go to the grocery store, and I'm trying to let the spouse sleep in as long as he can. He wakes up too early on the weekends, and he had a 6-day week this week. Now I'm anxious about how things are going to go. We need some cat litter desperately, which I could only get without him by paying for delivery or by taxi, neither of which I wanted to do. So it's up to him when we go. That also causes me some anxiety, and it could get really bad. Bad to the point that I'm all doped up on seroquel and clonazepam, desperately hanging onto a big shopping cart so I don't fall over. Add sunglasses and poor eyesight to that fucked up equation. A real mess. The spouse detests going to the grocery store. It's never a smooth ride.

Now begins the wait for him to get up so I can make a fresh pot of coffee.

The cat is running around, and acting crazy, trying to wake everybody up - probably so she can have the bed to herself. I can't blame her. That's the way I prefer it.

I'm hoping for a non-freakout day, and a trip to the grocery store, which the thought of already triggers anxiety. Could be more to come...